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THE MONSTER MOVIE AUTHORITY

PRESENTS

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ALAN D HAEHNEL

After decades as an English teacher, playwright, director (and dad to the founder of "Bitenight"), Alan Haehnel is eminently unqualified to be an expert reviewer of horror films. But being unqualified has not kept him from his other pursuits, so here he is. Any quibbles with Alan's reviews will automatically be forwarded to his son to deal with.

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LET ME IN

97%

"One of the best I've ever seen. The horror is quite horrible and effective, but the story is at the same time endearing"

ASSIMILATE

55%

"While it's not completely terrible, it's pretty bad. Either through lack of creativity or budget or both, nothing gets pushed quite hard enough to be effective"

THE RETREAT

57%

"The whole thing centers around dudes drinking hallucinogenic tea, so lots of bending, melting images and the cheesy "and then I woke up" justification. Do not watch is my advice"

COLD SKIN

75%

"Worth a watch. I'm a sucker for the setting--cold, New England-ish, rugged island with a lighthouse. Plus snow. It's desolate, all right, and that gets me, for some reason. Ultimately, it falls in between the cracks of three or so genres, but the attempt is noble, and the pace moves along pretty well"

A MONSTER CALLS

86%

"Ultimately, it's quite a great film. Granted, it gets a bit sentimental at times and is a little longer than it needs to be, yet it does a nice job of dealing with a variety of threads that interweave and tie up at the end. Overall, certainly worth a watch. You're more likely to cry than scream, but we all need some variety now and then"

GHOSTS OF WAR

86%

"This was quite inventive and had a lot of genuinely frightening moments. The acting is strong, the effects are consistently cool. Definitely worth a watch!"

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

75%

"Zombies on Mars! It's certainly a sci-fi movie, but it's also certainly part of the zombie genre. It's got much better-than-zombie-average acting in it, though "

THE HOST

84%

"A really interesting film for me as an American watcher. The creature is quite cool, and the practical effects that go with it are especially impressive"

ARACHNOPHOBIA

67%

"Like the old SNL skit calling for "more cowbell!" I found myself internally yelling, "More John Goodman!"

AERIALS

13%

"God awful! I had to invoke the 15 minute save-my-sanity rule again. A turkey, plain and simple"

AE: APOCALYPSE EARTH

16%

"No one, and I mean NO ONE, should feel compelled to watch all of something as chintzy and stupid and lacking redemption as this. I couldn't get through it"

CARGO

85%

A surprisingly good treatment of the zombie genre. The Australian setting and Aboriginal elements really add to the originality. Martin Freeman does an excellent job. A testament to the idea that you don't need a big budget to make a strong impact

OCCUPATION

32%

"Stereotypical aliens under cheesy armor."

ANIMAL

69%

"Simple premise -- people terrorized by beast, how will they escape? But some descent jump scares. Worth a watch if you're bored."

INTO THE FOREST

58%

"This is a movie about female empowerment, which is fine, but it really can't be rated as a monster movie. Now, as a female empowerment movie... I still didn't like it because I found the story weak. All in all not great."

PRESERVATION

52%

"The self-conscious, "aren't-we-ever-so-clever" feel to the film kept me from truly caring about any aspect of it--the story, the characters, anything.Trim your nails for an hour and half rather than watch this movie. Your feet will thank me"

THE DARKNESS

70%

"It's sort of a "feel-good" horror movie in that the scares aren't too terrible, the sadism is hinted at rather than explicit, and the underlying story is based on a good, old-fashioned haunting. Worth a watch but don't expect to be blown away."

MAUS

75%

"Dark, haunting, violent. Horrible in the truest sense in that it gets into the atrocities of man against man. This is not escapism. It is grimy and gritty and unforgiving."

THE CAR: ROAD TO REVENGE

5%

"This is God awful. Do not waste one moment on this stinker. Truly. I feel such pity for the actors who got involved with this. Amateur, sophomoric...ugh. Just please, don't bother."

DOOM: ANNIHILATION

67%

"Not quite awful, but close. Don't waist your time. Just play the damned game"

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION

63%

"If you could get a collection of video clips of the various creatures moving and flying, that would be just as fulfilling as watching the whole movie."

EXTINCTION

91%

"Early on, you may be poking a lot of holes in it, but once you get to the twist you'll see the justifications. Stick with it. It's an original idea, well executed, well acted and even socially relevant. This is a very good movie"

BATTLE: LOS ANGELES

82%

"Huge budget, lots of hoorah patriotism and machismo. You wonder if the US Armed Forces uses movies like this for recruitment tools.This movie doesn't bring much new to the genre. Still, a fun time"

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